opposites attract: how to do it right

We’ve all heard the saying “opposites attract.” There is nothing more classic nor a standard more upheld than that individuals with contrasting personalities and preferences—even values and lifestyles—are drawn to one another because of those differences. The jock gets the nerd. The adventurous daredevil ends up with a cautious homebody. The outgoing guy goes for the shy girl. The rich city girl falls for the poor farm boy.

See what I mean? This fictional trope and real-life stereotype just seems right.

But why? What role does polarity play in attraction, romance, and ultimately love—and how does one seamlessly incorporate it into a story?

I’m glad you asked. (You didn’t, but let’s pretend you did.) In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve teamed up with several other bloggers to discuss some of romance’s top tropes, what we love about them, and how to pull them off. In 2023, I tackled enemies-to-lovers, the unceasingly controversial but equally beloved trope that has had me in a chokehold for years. This year, we’re talking about opposites attract—the classic, maybe even cliché, concept that serves as the foundation for several tropes and countless romances both real and fictional.

Although I can’t speak for how polar opposites play out in real-life relationships, I have Thoughts™ on the fictional version. As simple and straightforward as the trope seems, it’s all too easy to veer off track and end up with a train wreck of a romance.

Relationships between opposites can quickly fall into the category of under-baked or downright raw—that is, poorly developed or even toxic, depending on how the trope is handled.

If the opposites are too different, the couple may seem like they’re perpetually on the verge of divorce, or one character may be forced to change who they are fundamentally to coexist with the other, or there may be a precarious power imbalance.

If the relationship moves too fast, your readers may be left wondering how the characters even came to love each other and why, especially if they disliked one another to begin with.

Or, worst case scenario, the hero and heroine may be so different or undeveloped that they run the risk of becoming hero and villain.

So where’s the line?

opposites may attract…but like marries like.

So Gerald O’Hara tells his daughter Scarlett in Gone with the Wind: “Like must marry like or there’ll be no happiness.” Scarlett proves the efficacy of his statement throughout the novel, when her first two marriages to men vastly different than her come to a bitter end, while her marriage to Rhett, though fraught with grief and loss, brings her more happiness than she had with her first husbands or that she might’ve had with Ashley.

Although Scarlett and Rhett are continually at odds and first appear to be vastly different—he the carefree, roguish rambler; she the impetuous, ambitious Southern belle—at their core, they’re the same. Both are fiercely independent, disregarding societal norms and making their own way on their own terms. Both are resilient, strong-willed, manipulative, and as Rhett says in the film, “Bad lots, both of us. Selfish and shrewd. But able to look things in the eyes as we call them by their right names.”

Scarlett and Rhett are certainly not the best example, or an example whatsoever, of a good, healthy relationship. But what they do exemplify very well is how much the core identity and values of a person are what matters most. Ultimately, relationships fail or succeed based on qualities far deeper than just personality. Being shy or outgoing, or sporty or nerdy, or reserved or exuberant, shouldn’t make or break your relationship. However, having different life goals or beliefs can be the line in the sand. Opposites may attract, but in the end, like marries like.

If your characters’ relationship is based solely on those surface traits, like personality or career or hobbies or interests, readers will pick up on that. The romance will feel one-dimensional and flat, rather than deep and developed.

The solution isn’t to make your characters 100% alike—that would be weird. It isn’t even to emphasize their similarities over their differences—that would pretty much do away with the whole “opposites attract” thing, rendering the trope and this entire post null and void.

The trick is simply to have those similarities. When developing your characters and their relationship, don’t just stop at their appearances, careers, personalities, and interests. Dig deep into who they are apart from what they do, the hills they would die on, the standards and values they hold to, their past experiences (*cough* traumatic backstories cough), their beliefs, their weaknesses, their long-term goals and dreams, their fears, what they desire in a relationship/spouse. The list goes on and on.

Then compare the two characters. Will they last in a long-term relationship, in a marriage, through parenthood? Will they weather the storm? Do they build each other up and benefit one another? Do even their differences have a positive impact on each other?

If the answer is yes, you’ve got it. You’ve got characters who are vastly different but can unite in a relationship. Characters who are opposites, bringing totally different perspectives and backgrounds to the table, that can find common ground.

when opposites become enemies

Now, this is not always the case. Not every pair of opposites are enemies (in fact, they may be the best of friends), and certainly not every set of enemies are opposites. But a lot of times, those polarizing differences not only put your hero and heroine on opposing sides. And the ensuing conflict can be positively delicious.

But it can also burn your romance to the ground if you don’t play your cards right.

Just like in any enemies-to-lovers relationship, if you jump the gun and have your nemeses or archrivals shift from I-hate-you to I-love-you within a chapter or two, it’s going to feel rushed and forced, or at worse, as my friend Karynn put it, give the reader whiplash.

Whether your pair of opposites are rivals at work or school or they’re on opposing sides in a war, it’s wholly unrealistic for them to overcome their initial feelings of hate, rivalry, or plain ol’ dislike within a moment’s notice and be ready for a romantic relationship. It requires sloooooooow burn. Even if your characters are attracted to each other at first, despite their differences, it takes time to develop a romance.

To avoid whiplash (and subsequent court orders), take it slow. Build up to that climatic moment when enmity becomes alliance, alliance becomes friendship, friendship becomes love. Piece by piece, tear down the characters’ walls until they can see each other for who they truly are—someone dependable because they’re a stick-in-the-mud, someone strong because of their softness, someone humble even though they seem like a know-it-all, someone responsible even though they seem careless.

At some point, there needs to be a moment of realization and change when all the little things about the other person that used to annoy them become all the little details they love about them. Every moment before then should lead up to this, creating a strong, well-enforced relationship one brick at a time.

And just because they’re friends or lovers now doesn’t mean their differences need to go away…rather, those differences are simply seen in a new light. They can use their strengths to build each other up now instead of tearing one another down. Their weaknesses and needs can be met in the other. Their different quirks and interests and personalities can be seen as endearments.

the sun & moon in the same sky

When you think of opposites, what usually comes to mind are fire and ice, yin and yang, day and night, black cat and golden retriever, land and sea, sun and moon. As iconic as those examples are, in actuality, if you put fire and ice together, the ice would melt. If you put a cat and dog together, somebody’s getting hurt. If you put land and sea together, one or the other will erode away. If you put the sun and the moon in the same sky, the sun outshines the moon.

Not just because the moon is small, but because the moon doesn’t actually produce any of its own light. Rather, it reflects the light of the sun. The sun and moon have to be separated for the moon to shine and be of use to us.

A risk you run into with opposites attract is putting the sun and the moon in the same sky, relegating one character to a position of power and the other to being a grey blip with no light of its own. Either the moon must change its nature to compete, or the sun dim its rays—otherwise, the sun will destroy the moon.

If one or both of your characters would have to change their core identity to make the relationship work, then you need to reevaluate who they are or if they even belong together. If one character will dominate the other or leave a negative impact on them, then you need to reconsider what makes them opposites and how you can use those traits in a positive way.

My friend Naia put it well. Opposites attract isn’t about cat fights, it’s about the “I'll be strong where you are weak, you are strong where I fall apart" aspect of love. It’s about making up for where the other lacks, balancing each other out, and making each other better.

Rather than having a sun and moon, have the moon and stars. Still entirely different, from their makeup to their source of light, but they work together to illuminate the night sky. And despite their differences, they are inseparable.

In Naia’s words, “I think also, people might be drawn to the idea that someone who's opposite from them could be an intimate part of their life because it's a forced enrichment of it. Their strengths are literally everything you hate about yourself, and so you feel like maybe their virtues could rub off on you. And it's powerful to think of someone choosing you who's different from you—maybe that might mean that there's value in your own traits and personality as well.”

Emphasize not just your characters’ differences but also the value of those differences. How they fill each other’s empty spaces. How they’re not forced to change to be compatible, but how love simply softens their rougher edges and brings out the goodness within.

put it to the test

Build a quick profile of your hero and heroine and their relationship. Start with the basics:

• name & age

• ethnicity & nationality

• religion

• family, past experiences, & background

• education & financial status

• career (if any)

• physical appearance

Next, dig a little deeper:

• personality

• quirks

• strengths

• weaknesses

• beliefs & values

• requirements/desires in a romantic partner

• long-term/life goals

• fears

• dreams

  Now, ask yourself:

• How do the hero and heroine meet?

• Why are they opposites, and how do those differences affect their relationship?

• How are they similar, and how do those similarities affect their relationship?

• What’s their first impression of each other?

• How do their strengths and weaknesses compliment each other?

• How can they build one another up?

• If they dislike each other at first, what causes the change?

• If they like each other at first, what is it that sparks the attraction or admiration?

Establishing these things before you flesh out their romance is going to guide you in the right direction and help you stay on that track, so you can do opposites attract right.

discover more

Check out the rest of the posts in our Love Week collab, full of thoughts and advice on classic romance tropes!

• Mon, February 10 - Marriage of convenience - L.E. Morgan

• Tue, February 11 - Best friends-to-lovers - R.M. Archer

• Wed, February 12 - Childhood sweethearts - M.C. Kennedy

• Thu, February 13 - Opposites attract - Grace Johnson

• Fri, February 14 - Fake dating - Nicki Chapelway

• Sat, February 15 - Forbidden love - Kellyn Roth

What's one of your favorite opposites attract couples?

Why do you think they work so well together?

PS: If you're currently writing an opposites attract romance and need some extra help on pulling it off, drop your questions and concerns below!

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